Friday, May 20, 2011


so it was slightly more than 2 weeks ago when we were told that there's no heartbeat. It came almost as a surprise. "Almost" because a couple of days earlier, I felt different. I lost half of the symptoms and I could almost feel that something was wrong, and knowing and seeing how common miscarriages are, I prepared myself for the worst.

But I suppose that's just wishful thinking. I was still heartbroken when the doctor told us that he's 100% certain that I will miscarry as he could not find the baby's heartbeat. And what's worse was seeing alem's face, although he tried not to show it, I could tell that he too was just as sad as I was. I even felt like I have disappointed him.

Anyway, despite the news, we decided to wait for another week as I wasnt passing anything. Fast-forward a week later, another ultrasound and still no heartbeat, so we set a date for a D&C on Friday.

5 days have passed since then. I'm still bleeding, but thank God the cramps have mostly stopped. Emotionally, I think I'm doing pretty ok, not much of a denial, no anger, just acceptance that there is certainly a blessing in all of this that I'm probably not able to see just yet. But I do have my moments, especially when I'm alone and when certain words start ringing in my ears. And although i know there's nothing anyone can do to stop it, occasionally i still cant help but to think of different things that i could've done differently.

Despite the loss, I'm grateful to have friends and families who are very supportive. My sv berkali2 offered to help should i need anything, even offered his wife kot i need someone to talk to. Somehow aku rasa dia saja nak aku open up kot, sbb berkali2 sgt dia offer nak tolong. He even said tht selama ni aku tak pernah mintak tolong apa2 (must be referring to the mishaps i encountered in the past), so jadi mcm ni, jgnla segan2 nak mintak tolong lg... which got my eyes welling up with tears and forced me to ask him to stop and change the topic. But of course, that didnt help much 'cause emotions are not something that you can easily turn on and off. So we talked a bit about Austria, then he told me to take a month off, then dia cepat2 cabut.

I am also very grateful that it happened while alem is here. He's been amazing. He was amazing in dealing with my crazy hormones during those 2 months, and he's amazing still in tending to my physical and emotional needs even now that our baby is gone......

Sunday, May 01, 2011

we had...

mee kari

and ikan keli with kerabu mangga n sayur campur n gulai baki kari n sambal udang terbakar :D

that may not be much, but for me, it was a feast. Lagi pon sekali-sekali je pon....